Hello Jake,
I not too long ago attached with a Trump supporter. I journey so much for work, and was in a way more conservative space than the place I at the moment reside. I knew his political leanings (it was on his profile), however I nonetheless went by means of with it. Truthfully, I used to be lonely, he was scorching, and politics by no means got here up. He was truly fairly good, and we had fun. That stated, I did should compartmentalize and drive myself not to consider the political stuff.
Now, I really feel responsible and confused. The “outdated me” would NEVER have finished this and doubtless would decide another person for it. I don’t help Trump and suppose his supporters are mistaken, particularly when a lot of what he imagine goes it’s in opposition to their very own pursuits. I haven’t advised my mates—they’d give me a lot crap and possibly even name it a betrayal. However I additionally don’t remorse it as a result of I genuinely loved myself.
How about we take this to the subsequent degree?
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Was I disloyal to myself and my neighborhood, and will hand over my “homosexual card”? Or is it okay to see individuals as greater than their politics?
M.A.G.A. (Manly Attraction Gone Astray)
Expensive M.A.G.A.,
Nobody’s snatching away your “homosexual card” any time quickly… except you determine to modify groups, and even then, who’s judging? There’s no single method to be queer. Like every neighborhood, we’re a various group, with totally different values, beliefs, and priorities.
Hooking up is commonly extra about bodily connection and momentary escape than deep ideological alignment. In spite of everything, it wasn’t such as you had been planning on proposing to this man. You had been craving some companionship, he was attractive, and politics stayed out of the bed room. You compartmentalized—which, in conditions like this, is a wonderfully acceptable coping mechanism.
Typically, we make selections that prioritize our fast emotional or bodily wants over our ideological boundaries, and that doesn’t essentially make us unhealthy individuals. It makes us human.
Nevertheless, your guilt means that your right-wing rendezvous rubbed up in opposition to your core beliefs in a means that’s onerous to disregard. What you’re experiencing proper now is named cognitive dissonance–that uncomfortable psychological tug-of-war when your actions don’t fairly align along with your values.
When this occurs, it’s useful to pause and replicate. Ask your self what particularly feels off and why. Is it concerning the motion itself, or is it the which means you’re assigning to it? In different phrases, are you being onerous on your self as a result of your folks and fellow gays would decide you, or since you your self aren’t comfy with what you probably did?
By figuring out the place the stress is coming from, you can begin to make sense of your emotions, and proceed in a means that honors your values transferring ahead.
Supporting a political occasion that seeks to limit our rights can really feel abhorrent and self-hating, however not all Trump supporters are the identical. Some are uninformed, others formed by their upbringing, and a few prioritize points that will not matter to them however are deal-breakers for you. In the end, you determine if their political beliefs are a line within the sand, or one thing you possibly can overlook between the sheets.
When you notice being with somebody whose values conflict with yours doesn’t sit proper, use it as a studying expertise. Alternatively, if the romp outweighed the political divide (a minimum of within the second), that’s completely legitimate too—possibly simply ask him to depart Carrie Underwood off the playlist subsequent time? And as on your mates? Their opinions are loud, however they don’t reside in your pores and skin. You don’t owe anybody an evidence, and it’s your name whether or not to share or preserve it non-public.
Whereas I perceive your battle, attempt to be simple on your self. You’ve merely encountered the superbly messy actuality of contemporary courting and human attraction. Very similar to the shifting tides of political energy and who at the moment sits within the Oval Workplace, your opinions and values can and can evolve over time. What looks like a tough line within the sand right this moment would possibly soften tomorrow—or vice versa. The fantastic thing about development is that, like politics, it’s not often static. You’re allowed to re-evaluate, redraw boundaries, and determine what aligns along with your internal self as you navigate life… and the occasional scorching Trumpie.
Ask Jake is our recommendation column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Household Therapist Jake Myers. When you’ve got a query for Jake, e-mail [email protected], or contact him by means of his LGBTQ therapy platform.
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