This week we hand over to PhD pupil MJ Albutt to listen to how she received on together with her latest trek throughout the Sahara. (Please bear in mind that MJ displays brazenly and actually a few very emotional expertise and the way it was affected by her personal life story which incorporates abuse)
My trek throughout the Sahara was a 100km trek (5 days strolling, 2 days travelling) from Sat 22nd Feb to Fri 28th Feb 2025, organized by Uncover Journey. I did it to lift cash for the Alzheimer’s Society with a fundraising goal of £2200.
MJ’s Sahara trek journal
Day 1:
Left dwelling at 8am. Acquired to Gatwick 11.40. Had espresso with Peter, then met some individuals I recognised from the trek WhatsApp group, so Peter left me with them. We met the trek leaders at examine in. Flight left Gatwick 15.45, arrived in Casablanca at 16.20. We had a scheduled 4 hour wait, however extra delays of a number of hours plus meant we left Casablanca at 11.40 and arrived at Ouarzazate 1.20am. Didn’t take lengthy for luggage to come back by. Coach took us to lodge, arrived and received room keys 2.15am.
Day 2:
Up at 6.30am. Package prepared, baggage packed and downstairs for breakfast at 7.30am. After a fast introduction and briefing from leaders, we went to get cash from “a person who may give us a very good deal” (can’t take Moroccan foreign money in or out of nation). Acquired in coaches earlier than 9am for 4-hour drive throughout Atlas Mountains. This included a cease at market to look spherical and purchase scarfs (with demo the best way to put them on). Arrived at place to begin. Had lunch, then began strolling. Began off going by deserted medieval city. Fascinating.
Walked for 10km, 3 hours. From the outset, I used to be on the again and struggling to maintain up with the tempo. After an hour my imposter syndrome had firmly set in. What was I considering, believing I may do that? I knew I may stroll the space, however I assumed they’d be pacing themselves, not going off this quick.
I used to be virtually in tears when the chief got here and spoke to me. I instructed her I used to be struggling. She instructed me that the tempo wasn’t that quick, however I had already received into “again of the pack” mentality. She instructed me that, each time we began to stroll, I wanted to put myself on the very entrance with the information, and begin at their tempo. Should you place your self with the entrance of the pack, you’re very prone to keep on the entrance of the pack. However for those who imagine you belong on the again and all the time begin final, you’ll discover it subsequent to not possible to catch up and all the time really feel like you’re being left behind. I took this recommendation and, was amazed – for the remainder of the trek I began on the entrance and stored up with the tempo, very not often transferring all the way down to the center of the group. It was like magic; I don’t know the way it labored, however it did.
Acquired to camp. Put up tents. Had cup of mint tea on high of sand dune while watching sundown. Acquired stuff sorted for the morning. Had dinner collectively. Given briefing for subsequent day. Retired to tents 9.30pm. As we got here out of the eating tent, we had been all amazed by the evening sky. Though individuals let you know about it, nothing prepares you for the vastness and the sheer variety of stars! Didn’t sleep all evening. Painful hips and the worst sciatica I’ve ever had taking pictures down left leg.
Day 3:
Up at 6am, stunning sky simply earlier than dawn.
Tents down, baggage packed, crammed up with water. Breakfast 7.30am. Stretches 8.15am, began strolling 8.45am. Walked over 20km in about 8 hours, with water breaks and lunch breaks. Warmth about 28C. Principally flat, riverbed strolling – arduous on ft as ankles turning in every single place. Just a few sand dunes within the afternoon. however not many.
Spent a variety of time strolling alone. Serious about Mum, but in addition all the opposite residents dwelling with dementia that I’ve sorted, and their relations; how grateful I’m for all of the issues they taught me alongside the way in which. How each encounter, each interplay, each expertise has contributed to me with the ability to do the job I do right now.
I reminded myself that earlier than I got here away, I knew that each step of this trek can be me symbolically stepping away from my abusive previous. I spent a variety of time consciously letting go of the disgrace and repulsion I had carried with me, making an attempt to be in tune with my physique, visualising the place all that crap has been saved for the final 50+ years and releasing it again to the place it belonged. As I did so, I felt a major change and adjustment in my gait. The tops of my legs and hips felt like they’d been launched, the muscle tissue in my hips felt like stretchy elastic bands, and I discovered myself standing tall, rising my stride, and feeling my buttocks transferring the way in which you see fashions wiggling up a catwalk. Most of all, the sensations in my stomach fully modified. For the primary time ever, I genuinely felt like I had a female, girl’s physique.
Somewhat randomly, I had a music come into my head from the 1970’s; “Keep in mind you’re a womble”, besides the phrases had modified to “bear in mind you’re a lady”. For the remainder of the afternoon, I entertained myself singing “bear in mind you’re a lady, bear in mind you’re a lady, remember- member-member what an attractive girl you’re!”
Acquired again to camp at 5.15pm. Did stretches, put tents up, had mint tea and snacks on high of sand dunes watching solar set. Had half an hour to clean up and type selves out. Had dinner. Then briefing for subsequent day. A number of the males had gone out looking for wooden after we received again, so after dinner bonfire was lit outdoors. Some individuals selected to sit down round hearth and sleep there. Sarah and I slept outdoors, however subsequent to tent as too many individuals spherical the hearth. We settled about 9.30pm. Superb expertise sleeping beneath the celebrities. Tried to take images however not efficiently. It’s additionally fairly surreal to be listening to the sounds of camels speaking to one another as you are attempting to float off to sleep!
Day 4:
Up 6am. Package prepared and tents down by 7.30. Acquired actually harassed and anxious. Breakfast, stretches, then off at 8.15. Walked 24km, over 8 hours. 30 – 35 levels after lunch. Spent morning strolling throughout the rocky terrain of the seabed. Though I discovered this a lot more durable than the sand, I managed to stick with the entrance of the pack.
Regardless of my wonderful positivity of the day before today, I spent the entire time eager to cry my eyes out. I knew this trek was going to be robust, and I knew I may do it bodily. However why was I falling aside emotionally? I assumed possibly it was grief. It appears to have been a traditional sample all through my remedy that when I’ve had a break although in my understanding, or a major “letting go”, it’s adopted by a time of deep grief/emotional launch. Perhaps it wasn’t grief, however reduction at by no means having to hold all that repulsive crap that had been saved in my physique for over 50 years? As I continued to mirror, I initially went by the outdated adverse thought patterns: what’s mistaken with me? Why am I so emotional? How come everybody else appears to be having fun with themselves and having fun, after I’m not having fun with any of this? I do know I can do it bodily. So why am I falling aside emotionally? I assumed I had made a lot progress with my remedy, I assumed I used to be stronger than this. I simply need Peter. I simply need to be dwelling with him and the canines. I’ve been trying ahead to this for months, that is an expertise of a lifetime, I needs to be having fun with it, not simply wishing it was over….
Having spent all 5 hours of the morning stroll on this state, simply managing to carry myself collectively, as quickly as we began again after lunch, I began to cry and couldn’t cease. I reached out to one of many girls within the group, and really shortly one of many leaders took me to 1 facet for “a second”. She recommended I received on one of many camels for a bit, and I really stayed on there for the remaining two hours of trekking. This gave me the area to relaxation, take within the surroundings and respect the enormity of the truth that I used to be in the midst of the Sahara Desert on a camel!
After about 20 minutes I had some readability. It struck me that I’m robust and, in the previous few years, have learnt to really feel safe in my “consolation zone”, when I’ve Peter and the canines to guard me. However right here, out within the wilderness, I really feel weak and uncovered. The entire scenario had triggered me. Away from dwelling, away from Peter and the canines and familiarity, spending 24/7 with strangers, had uncovered the vulnerability of the dissociated teenaged components of me. Feeling awkward, not realizing what to say to individuals, watching friendship teams type and feeling fully overlooked, eager to belong and slot in however discovering it far, far safer to maintain my distance and isolate myself.
I realised at that time, that I by no means have to do certainly one of these challenges once more. Many individuals really feel the necessity to push themselves out of their consolation zones so as to expertise new issues and develop into stronger. However for me, who has spent 55 of my 58 years dwelling in a psychological area that’s the polar reverse of a consolation zone, it’s OK for me to return to the security and safety of Peter and the sausage canines and the familiarity of my new life and the “secure” individuals which are in my new tribe, recognise and respect the “consolation zone” they’ve supplied for me and by no means pressure myself again out of it. I now perceive that individuals who began out assured, safe and secure inside a consolation zone might need to push themselves out of it to expertise what its like. However for myself and others who’ve lived their entire lives in that area of stress, insecurity, anxiousness and even terror, who’ve spent much more time by no means realizing what a consolation zone is reasonably than being in a single, knowingly placing myself again into conditions that set off a survival response of battle, flight, freeze or dissociate is sort of a type of self-harm!
“I’ll end this trek. I do know I can. However I don’t have to do something like this once more. I’ve nothing to show to anybody. I’ve survived unimaginable, extended abuse and all the relational and psychological well being points ensuing from it. I’m nonetheless alive. I’ve survived. I’ve overcome. And now I’m starting to thrive. I’m sufficient. I don’t need to preserve proving it again and again”
After I received off that camel on the finish of the day, I knew I had learnt a really, crucial lesson.
I’ve finished vacationer camel rides earlier than, however a real camel journey within the Sahara turns into very uncomfortable when happening very steep sand dunes! I used to be very happy with my “real camel bruises” – a trophy to how tight I used to be clinging with the whole lot I’d received that day!! I slept soundly that evening – everybody else was moaning within the morning about being stored awake for hours by the camels, however I didn’t hear a factor!
Day 5:
Strolling throughout riverbeds once more within the morning. At one level we observed we had been strolling on purple coral. Information instructed us that it will have fashioned about 350 million years in the past; they know this as they’ve discovered so many dinosaur stays there. This blew my thoughts. I may have appreciated to have had likelihood to simply sit there “connecting” with the power of the place, as I used to be having a non secular second, however we needed to preserve strolling. I picked up plenty of rocks with fossils in them.
Spent 5 hours strolling sea beds in morning, 3 hours strolling up and down sand dunes in afternoon. 30-35 levels C, so very arduous work after lunch. Walked 22 km. Feeling fully totally different right now. Not solely did I really feel far more optimistic, plenty of individuals within the group who I hadn’t spoken to as much as that time, got here as much as examine on me and I received into numerous fascinating conversations.
I realised how essential it’s to ask for assist when you find yourself struggling. So many individuals suppose they should “keep robust”, and but it takes extra power to make your self weak and ask for assist than it does to maintain struggling. I had learnt as a baby that after I requested for assist, the assistance by no means got here and that, extra occasions than not, making myself weak in that means made issues a lot worse. However in a traditional, non-dysfunctional, grownup world, asking for assistance will lead to you receiving the help you want, even for those who don’t know what you want on the time.
Tent up. Stretches. Mint tea on sand dunes to look at solar set. Dinner. Briefing. Took sleeping bag to high of sand dunes to sleep. Superb expertise. Didn’t sleep a lot as absorbing the evening sky.
Day 6:
Up at 5.30. Walked up remaining, very steep sand dune for 7am. Watched dawn which was the official completion of the trek. WE DID IT!!
After 30mins, we got here again down, took tents down, packed baggage and had breakfast. After breakfast, as everybody was doing the ultimate bits to de-camp, I went to “rest room”. After I say “rest room”, I imply a chunk of tarpaulin draped over 4 poles, with a gap dug out within the sand to wee or poo in. I spent 4 years in distant components of India, so I’m used to squatting over holes, however now I’m 20 years older, my hips aren’t as completely happy as they was to crouch low sufficient to poo with out lacking the outlet, particularly because the holes had been dug so broad!! I subsequently needed to maintain on to the bars of the tent to help myself when squatting. This had not been an issue till this final day. Having simply come down from the highest of the sand dune, nonetheless on a “excessive” from ending the trek, I held onto the poles as I squatted, with out realising certainly one of them had come out of the bottom. I misplaced steadiness and fell backwards. Though I largely landed in direction of the again of the cubicle, my proper leg and boot fell into the outlet!! Taking into account we had no operating water all week and had been counting on giant physique wipes to scrub ourselves, I had to make use of up my two-remaining packets of wipes to scrub myself off!
We left at 8.45am: 4 x 4 rides throughout the desert. I cherished this expertise of racing up and down the sand and skidding a lot of the means! It took us 3.5 hours to get to the closest highway – that’s how far into the Sahara Desert we had been! We had lunch, then had an additional 7- hour bus journey by Atlas Mountains to get to Marrakesh. Breathtaking surroundings – a bit like driving by Cheddar Gorge however for over 6 hours! Acquired to lodge 7.15pm. Had an hour to bathe and alter into respectable garments, then went out for remaining meal collectively.
Day 7:
Up, packed and prepared for six.30 breakfast earlier than driving to airport. Airplane to Casablanca late leaving because of a big social gathering of individuals boarding (presumably occurring a visit for Ramadam) – lots of them hadn’t flown earlier than, simply sat in any seat and refused to maneuver when requested to sit down within the seat quantity allotted to them! A lot of them had full sized suitcases, so extra delay whereas crew received baggage labels and received circumstances moved into the maintain. Many individuals had a minimum of 2 very giant objects of hand baggage. Two girls sat subsequent to me – presumably of their early 30’s, carrying full Niqab and head to foot Abaya. As soon as aircraft took off, they took off their Niqabs to disclose that they each had a rucksack on their backs and a big bag strapped to their bellies, along with the big baggage of hand baggage they’d put of their overhead lockers! Ultimately took off 45 minutes late. Landed at Casablanca 12.00 Our subsequent flight had already began boarding at 11.45! Luckily, all of us managed to get onto the flight with out lacking it! Arrived at Gatwick 14.45; met Peter in arrivals at 15.30. So happy and relieved to see him! Again in my security zone!
FINAL THOUGHTS!
- I’ve finished one thing unbelievable!!
- All the time place your self with the leaders. Imagine you’re worthy to be with them. Begin on the entrance since you imagine you’re worthy to be there, and you’re more likely to remain there. Should you begin on the again since you imagine that’s the place you belong, you’ll all the time be feeling like you’re being left behind and making an attempt to play catch up. You’ll all the time really feel such as you don’t slot in on the again, since you belong on the entrance!
- Cease making an attempt to slot in with the group. Cease feeling there’s one thing mistaken with you in case you are not in the midst of the loud group, particularly in case you are unable to have real conversations with them. The loud ones are most certainly to be the bears, hiding their vulnerability. Search out the genuine ones. It’s not that I don’t slot in, simply that I need to spend my time with genuine individuals. I’m me and that’s okay. there’s nothing mistaken with me if I’m alone however being true to myself reasonably than being ‘in’ with others who aren’t exhibiting their true selves (In her discuss “The Energy of Vulnerability”, Brene Brown writes that the most important barrier to belonging is making an attempt to slot in! You received’t belong in case you are altering your self so as to slot in reasonably than being your self!)
- Ask for assist when you find yourself struggling. Don’t be ashamed of constructing your self weak by reaching out for help. Vulnerability is an indication of power, and braveness, not weak spot! Don’t be afraid to ask for assist – it’s a signal of power.
- It’s OK to remain in your consolation zone when you’ve got spent nearly all of your life on the different finish of the spectrum, dwelling in terror and insecurity, counting on innate survival mechanisms simply to exist, not even realizing what a consolation zone is.
I AM The butterfly.
I’ve demonstrated nice power in vulnerability.
I’ve pulled myself out of the sticky gooey mess created by others, so as to set myself free.
I’m an attractive, delicate, female girl made robust by the safety of my associates and the safety of my secure locations.
I don’t want to suit it!
By being my genuine self, I might be an indication of grace and hope to others
Mary-Pleasure Albutt 1.4.25, ©Purpose to Get Higher 2025
Mary-Pleasure has at the moment raised £2134 out of her £2200 goal for Alzheimer’s society. Should you really feel you possibly can make a small donation to assist her throughout the end line, you can donate here.
The references on this weblog about bears and butterflies discuss with her not too long ago printed e book. “The Bear, The Bull and The Butterfly: A Journey to Genuine Therapeutic” is obtainable from many on-line retailers, together with Amazon, Waterstones, Barnes and Noble, Everand, Bookscape and Overdrive.
Mary-Pleasure Albutt is an Skilled in optimistic dementia care and an professional by expertise in trauma and trauma knowledgeable care. She is at the moment endeavor a PhD at College of Worcester, exploring hyperlinks between trauma and dementia. She works as a contract guide, coach and speaker.
You’ll be able to contact her by electronic mail at: maryjoy.albutt@aimtogetbetter.com
Please go to her web site: https://aimtogetbetter.com
You’ll be able to learn extra of her blogs at http://maryjoyalbutt@blogspot.com
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