A question posed on Reddit has started a debate about monogamy and preferred positions.
On the AskGayBrosOver30 subreddit, a man spilled on his relationship.
“I’m in a relationship with the most amazing guy. He’s sweet, caring, and I really am head over heels in love with him. The thing is, he’s strictly a top in bed, so I’m always the bottom when we’re intimate.
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“In my previous relationship, we were both vers, and I actually topped more often than not. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll eventually miss that part of myself — the part that enjoyed being the top sometimes.
“I’m not unhappy at all, the sex is amazing, and I love my boyfriend very much,” he continued. “But I’m looking for advice from others who’ve been in this kind of dynamic. If you’re vers but in a top/bottom only relationship, how do you deal with it? Do you ever feel like something’s missing? How do you talk about it with your partner, if at all?”
The replies came flooding in.
Opening up the relationship
Men who have been in a similar position offered a couple of recurring answers. Firstly, if the issue becomes a problem, explore the idea of non-monogamy or playing with a third partner together who might satisfy any unsatisfied cravings.
Others suggested that if a verse is coupled with a strict bottom, to explore purchasing toys. Perhaps even a strap-on for the partner, if they were willing.
One man said he’d found himself suppressing a lot of his intimacy cravings for a long time “for a monogamous relationship with my husband who eventually became a side and eventually stopped caring about sex altogether. I decided I did not want to grow old and die celibate.”
He insisted his partner reignite his libido, give up on monogamy, or that they separate.
“We discussed these things with the help of a therapist, and we opened up earlier in the year. It has relieved a big stressor in our relationship, and I’ve been out there enjoying myself and getting most of my needs met. I’d still love to have a sexual relationship with my husband, but this is working for us at present. If or when it doesn’t work anymore, we can pivot as needed.”
“My husband is a top who doesn’t enjoy bottoming,” said a man in his early 40s. “As I get older, bottoming has become more difficult for me. I find that I do crave topping more regularly. As a result, our relationship has shifted to be monogam-ish. We vet guys (bottoms) together to see if there’s chemistry for all three of us and if there is we extend an invite in the bedroom so I can perform my service top duties.”
It’s good to talk
Others stressed the importance of open discussion and transparency.
“My husband is vers and I am mostly a top,” said another 40-something man. “I could never enjoy bottom with him so things settled in as me topping and him bottoming. It ended up he cheated on me by going for hookups and topping other guys throughout most of our decade-long relationship. He didn’t talk to me about the issue, resolving it on his own.
“If he had expressed what he was actually feeling, desiring, needing, I would have worked with him to find a solution,” he continued. “Or ended it. At least I could have decided for myself. He took that away from me and has caused so much pain in his lying and selfishness to have his cake and eat it too. Honesty and transparency and communication above all.”
Live with it
Other versatile guys said they’d ruled out dating strict tops or bottoms, or they just learned to live with it. The relationship, generally good in every other way, was more important to consider ending for the occasional top/bottom experience.
“I learned to live without it,” said one man in his early 30s. “We tried toys and it just wouldn’t do it for me. I still wouldn’t want anyone else for a life partner than him and I won’t do anything that might compromise our relationship.”
“I gave up topping seven years ago and eventually married the guy I gave it up for,” said another. “To be honest, I only recommend it if you value monogamy. Giving up topping wasn’t so bad for me, but I feel a little bothered because I actually don’t value monogamy but my husband does. So to me, it’s like, if you won’t do that (bottom) with me why won’t you let me f*ck somebody else? But I think if we both valued monogamy this would feel different.”
So is it possible for a versatile guy to be happy with a total top or bottom? The answer, it seems, is yes. However, the reality is very subjective and varies depending on how badly someone craves a bit of what their partner’s not giving them.
Have you been in a relationship with someone who refused to entertain the idea of topping or bottoming you? How did you handle it? Let us know below.
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