The qualities that drew you to your partner may be the result of how their ADHD brain works – creativity, spontaneity, hyperfocus, or emotional intensity, to name a few.
However, dating someone with ADHD might reveal some of their challenges, too. All relationships take work, but with ADHD, a person might struggle with the logistical, emotional, or communication workload.
Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects a person’s thinking and behavior. People with this disorder typically find it challenging to stay focused, remember details, communicate well, and fulfill their responsibilities.[1] These symptoms can affect relationships with the people they’re the closest to.
However, that doesn’t mean people with ADHD shouldn’t date. In fact, it’s 100% possible to build a meaningful and lasting relationship together.
If you and your partner have the willingness to work through the challenges, with self-awareness and understanding, you’ll strengthen your connection.
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Understanding ADHD in Relationships
ADHD affects relationships in different ways. Your partner may exhibit clear signs and symptoms that significantly impact their work and social life. On the other hand, they may only have a few symptoms of ADHD, leading to mild impairment.
Whether your partner seeks help and treatment can also impact how they communicate and handle their commitments and relationships.
The following is a list of some common characteristics of ADHD and how they might affect a relationship:[1]
- Difficulty focusing: Due to poor focus, the individual may zone out during conversations.
- Forgetfulness: A person with ADHD might agree or promise to finish a certain task or run an errand and then forget about it later. They may also commit to social plans and forget to show up.
- Poor organization and time management: The individual may leave household tasks unfinished, causing more work for their partner. They may have difficulty planning meals, scheduling work, or being on time.
- Impulsivity: An ADHDer tends to interrupt or blurt things out without thinking, which can hurt the other person’s feelings. Depending on the situation and type of ADHD, impulsive decisions or risky behaviors may impact a relationship.
- Emotional reactivity: ADHD can make it challenging to control emotions. This can lead to outbursts of anger or frustration. In most cases, the individual is upset at the situation, not the other party.
- Love bombing: A person with ADHD may display immense, sometimes overwhelming, affection early in the relationship. After the novelty wears off, they may back off, leading to confusion and frustration.
It’s important to understand that ADHD changes the brain’s structure, chemistry, and function, leading to these behavioral traits and patterns.[2] The resulting symptoms, like getting distracted during conversations, may cause you to feel unheard or unseen.
By learning more about the symptoms, you can better understand and interpret your partner’s actions and find effective ways to support them.
If you want to learn more about this, check out ADDA+. It’s a community of people with ADHD who share stories, knowledge, and offer support. It’s a great place to get help and access resources to improve your life.
Dating Someone With ADHD: Don’t Forget to Focus on the Good Parts
The positives that ADHD can bring, and the strengths of the ADHDer can add to a relationship. Learning to appreciate those traits in the person you’re dating is one way to connect deeper with each other.
Take, for instance, the high creativity ADHDers often possess. Many excel at thinking outside the box and finding unique solutions to problems. As you get to know them better, you may start to see things from a new perspective.
Most ADHDers also tend to be passionate, energetic, and empathetic, with a good sense of humor.[3]
Of course, like anyone else, each ADHDer has their own unique personality, strengths, and values.
Don’t jump to conclusions about how ADHD may affect your partner. Instead, take the time to learn more about how they view things and manage different aspects of their life.
Supporting a Partner Who Has ADHD
Living with ADHD isn’t easy. What’s important is working together as a team to solve and prevent recurring conflicts.
Here are some tips on how to support someone with ADHD without compromising on your mental well-being and needs.
Work on Your Communication
It’s important to let your partner know how you feel and how their actions affect you. Letting frustration or disappointment fester can harm a relationship. However, conveying this message in an accusatory or highly critical way might cause your partner to shut down and become defensive.
You can try to use more “I feel” or “I want” statements to communicate. For example, you can say, “I feel like I’m not important when you interrupt me while I’m talking.” This is a better approach than saying, “Why don’t you ever listen to me when I speak?”
If either of you is angry or frustrated at that moment, it’s also a good idea to give each other space to cool down before talking.
Keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. Listen actively while your partner speaks, and give them a safe space to share their struggles and opinions. Try to visualize your partner’s thoughts and feedback positively instead of framing it as a counter-argument right off the bat.
Develop Helpful Coping Strategies Together
In most cases, ADHD in adults tends to involve persistent symptoms of inattention.[4] This can lead to struggles at home, such as poor communication, failing to complete house chores, and forgetting errands, appointments, or important dates.
You can tackle this by sitting with your partner to discuss and determine which strategies can be built at home to solve these problems.
Here are some examples of tips that can help an ADHDer manage their household and relationship commitments:
- Create a rotating menu together and simplify meal prep to reduce the mental load
- Assess your household budget and keep track of your financial spending using an app
- Encourage your partner to set phone reminders for important events and dates – so you’re not the only one responsible for remembering things
- Split the chores and create a to-do list or cleaning schedule for your home
- Set up bill payment reminders or automatic payments
While you can help your partner set up systems to stay organized, it’s important that you don’t fall into a parent-child dynamic.
So, take a step back and sit down with your partner to discuss each others’ responsibilities. Suggest strategies, but encourage your partner to find what works best for them – and to seek additional support in the process. By clarifying these expectations, you’ll set up your relationship for success.
Compliment Your Partner
An important element to remember is that the person (and relationship) has unique strengths, and it helps to point them out. So take the initiative to appreciate and compliment them.
Research has shown ADHD is associated with lower self-esteem and confidence in adulthood.[5] Plus, it doesn’t cost anything to be supportive and appreciative.
Take note of your partner’s unique strengths and talents. Maybe they’re great at a certain sport or brilliant at cooking. Perhaps they’re the most generous and empathetic person you’ve met.
Pointing these strengths out is an excellent way of reminding them what they’re truly capable of. You can also make it a point to appreciate and thank them for what they do for you.
Encourage Your Partner to Seek Help
ADHD cannot be cured, but is highly treatable.
Medications and therapy can effectively help a person manage their symptoms and improve their functioning in day-to-day life.[6] An ADHD management plan may also include ADHD coaching and counseling.
If your partner isn’t already seeking professional help or treatment, encourage them to do so. Don’t be forceful or critical of their choices and opinions. Instead, remind them of the benefits of getting treated.
If they’re feeling hesitant or nervous about seeing a medical professional, ask them why they have those reservations. Additionally, you can offer to be their pillar of support as they seek the help they need.
Remember, seeking professional help is their choice. The best way to help is by destigmatizing discussions surrounding the topic and supporting them throughout the diagnosis or treatment process.
Another solution to consider is seeking relationship or marriage counseling from a health professional or therapist specializing in ADHD.
Draw Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship. It’s essential that you know what you’re willing to compromise on and what you won’t accept.
Knowing your limits in a relationship is one way to practice self-care. This keeps the relationship functional and encourages both partners to practice mutual respect.
Sit down and discuss your boundaries to set clear expectations in the relationship. These typically include emotional, financial, and physical boundaries.
For example, you won’t be doing all the household chores or paying off every bill, and your partner will need time and space alone before talking a conflict out.
You might need to find unique strategies to help each other fulfill those expectations. For instance, having a chore chart or routine may help remind your partner to complete their share of the household work.
A Fulfilling Relationship Is Possible With ADHD
A happy and successful relationship involves commitment and patience. If both partners are willing to learn and grow together, it’s possible to work your differences out and find personalized strategies to reduce the impact of ADHD on your relationship.
What’s key is to draw clear boundaries and make time for self-care activities. You don’t want to be running on an empty battery in any relationship, whether or not it involves ADHD.
You can also equip yourself to support a partner with ADHD by better understanding this disorder and its symptoms.
One way to do this is by joining ADDA+, a premier resource hub for adults living with ADHD. Here, you’ll get access to our Loving and Living With ADHD: Couples Connecting virtual support group.
References
[1] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/
[2] Rubia K. (2018). Cognitive Neuroscience of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Its Clinical Translation. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 12, 100. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00100
[3] Sedgwick, J. A., Merwood, A., & Asherson, P. (2019). The positive aspects of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a qualitative investigation of successful adults with ADHD. Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, 11(3), 241–253. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-018-0277-6
[4] Prakash, J., Chatterjee, K., Guha, S., Srivastava, K., & Chauhan, V. S. (2021). Adult attention-deficit Hyperactivity disorder: From clinical reality toward conceptual clarity. Industrial psychiatry journal, 30(1), 23–28. https://doi.org/10.4103/ipj.ipj_7_21
[5] Cook, J., Knight, E., Hume, I., & Qureshi, A. (2014). The self-esteem of adults diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): a systematic review of the literature. Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, 6(4), 249–268. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12402-014-0133-2
[6] Kolar, D., Keller, A., Golfinopoulos, M., Cumyn, L., Syer, C., & Hechtman, L. (2008). Treatment of adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 4(2), 389–403. https://doi.org/10.2147/ndt.s6985
