Hello Jake,
I’m fairly positive my cousin is into guys. He lately received engaged to a lady after getting her pregnant (child is due in August), however I’ve all the time gotten queer vibes from him.
He was an excellent delicate child who was actually into stereotypical “homosexual” issues like musical theater and dance. Then in his 20s he received actually into the fitness center, understanding on a regular basis and posting thirst traps taken within the locker room. He’s in his early 30s now, nonetheless completely ripped (however posting much less thirst traps), and dressing higher than virtually anybody I do know. He particularly appears to like carrying tight-fitting designer t-shirts that exhibit his biceps.
How about we take this to the following degree?
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However the true head-scratcher for me is the variety of homosexual males he’s associates with and/or follows on social media. We’ve a surprising variety of mutuals, together with guys I’d by no means count on him to know or be associates with. I swear, I’ve by no means recognized a straight man who’s so tapped into his native homosexual neighborhood.
We’ve by no means really talked about how he identifies or why he has so many homosexual male associates, however I’m very curious, particularly as he turns into a husband/dad. I’m apprehensive he might be making an attempt to power himself into a task and state of affairs that gained’t make him blissful. Ought to I step in and say one thing?
The Closet Police
Expensive The Closet Police,
Because the Magic 8 Ball would possibly say, “Indicators Level To Sure,” however that doesn’t essentially imply your cousin is homosexual.
In spite of everything, quite a lot of heteros are fairly cool with having queer associates, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, doing musical theater, and even bucking traditional gender roles when it comes type. For some, posting thirst traps is method to generate validation, from each ladies… or guys, however it doesn’t all the time point out who they need to sleep with.
That mentioned, your gaydar could actually be spot-on, and your cousin merely hasn’t admitted his true emotions to anybody but (or perhaps even to himself). After all, sexual orientation falls on a spectrum, so there’s additionally the chance he might be bisexual, which could make his selections really feel extra sophisticated to somebody with out a full understanding of what’s occurring.
That mentioned, as queer individuals know, popping out is a really private course of, and in case your cousin is coping with quite a lot of disgrace, internalized homophobia, concern, or familial/societal strain, it would take time for him to be able to admit his reality. Sadly, generally a girlfriend, spouse, or perhaps a baby can change into collateral harm within the course of.
I can fully perceive eager to intervene, particularly if you happen to’ve gone by way of an expertise like this your self. Sadly, everyone seems to be on their very own path, and if he’s he not able to admit something to himself or others, he’s in all probability not going to be prepared to listen to something you must say. He must work by way of his personal inner emotions, on his personal timeline… even when which means hiding part of himself for some time longer. Actually, if you happen to attempt to pull the curtain again too quickly, he could change into threatened, and shut you out.
You possibly can definitely make it recognized that you simply’re a “secure area” ought to he ever want assist and convey to him that you simply’re accessible to speak. Assuming you’re out to him your self, I’m positive he already is aware of there’s a spot to show to ought to he want some steering, or a shoulder to cry on. However, I’d let him come to you, relatively than you going to him.
As a lot because it pains us to see our queer comrades battle, particularly after we know different individuals of their life may finally be damage, it’s not our job to avoid wasting the world. Should you assume again by yourself popping out, you’ll in all probability do not forget that you weren’t prepared… till you had been.
I encourage you to reside your life as brazenly and authentically as you’ll be able to for example in your cousin. If he’s secretly closeted, he’s listening to you as a queer individual on this planet.
On the very least, it looks like such as you guys have loads in widespread. Seems like he’ll be a enjoyable individual to kiki with on the subsequent household reunion?
Ask Jake is our recommendation column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Household Therapist Jake Myers. When you’ve got a query for Jake, please e mail [email protected] for consideration.
