Pricey Jake,
I’m a 5’4″ homosexual man with a small, match construct — I’ve been known as “lovely,” “pocket homosexual,” and “fun-sized” extra occasions than I can depend. And whereas I’ve discovered to snigger it off most days, the reality is, I’m actually pissed off. I’m a prime. Like… an actual prime! I do know who I’m, I do know what I like, and I’m assured within the bed room — however nobody appears to take me severely due to my top and dimension.
Tall guys particularly usually assume I’m the underside earlier than we’ve even exchanged quite a lot of messages. And once I inform them in any other case, they both ghost, get weirdly dismissive, or act like I’m joking. I as soon as had a man flat-out say, “You’re too cute to be a prime.” What does that even imply??
How about we take this to the following stage?
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The issue isn’t nearly hooking up. It’s about being seen, revered, and never diminished to a stereotype. I don’t need to must “show” my masculinity or dominance simply because I’m below 5’6″. However on this neighborhood, the place top appears to tower above all the things else (pun type of supposed), I usually really feel invisible or miscast.
Is there a method to change how folks see me with out feeling like I’ve to continuously show myself? And the way do I deal with the rejection or assumptions with out letting it mess with my head?
Journey Dimension, However Prime Shelf
Pricey Journey Dimension, However Prime Shelf,
Your frustration is totally legitimate, and sadly, not unusual. In a neighborhood that prides itself on breaking free from conventional roles, it’s wild how usually we fall into inflexible expectations — particularly in terms of bed room enjoyable. Whether or not it’s assuming the tallest man is the highest, or essentially the most muscular man is essentially the most dominant, the reality is, we frequently let lazy stereotypes communicate louder than precise conversations. And that sucks for folks such as you, who’re merely making an attempt to be seen and understood for who they really are.
You shouldn’t must “show” your prime credentials simply since you’re 5’4″ and tight-framed. And but, right here you’re — continuously being underestimated, misinterpret, or dismissed earlier than you’ve even had an opportunity to indicate up absolutely. That’s disheartening, and sure, completely unfair.
However right here’s the factor: being a prime — or a backside, or a verse, or no matter — isn’t one thing you earn by hitting a sure top, weight, or vibe guidelines. It’s about want. It’s about how you’re feeling in your physique, within the bed room, and in your personal pores and skin. Sexuality is deeply private. It comes from inside, not from a physique sort or what another person is hoping you’ll be.
That mentioned, I get that it’s exhausting to continuously have to claim your self — however that doesn’t imply it’s best to cease doing it. You’ve gotten each proper to talk up, appropriate assumptions, and set the tone from the start. Whether or not it’s in your relationship app bio (“Prime — don’t let the scale idiot you”) or in your first few messages (“Let’s not assume roles based mostly on top — I do know what I like”), you’re allowed to be unapologetically clear about who you’re. Not in a defensive method — only a assured one.
And when somebody responds with disbelief or brushes you off? That’s not a cue so that you can second-guess your self — it’s a cue that they’re not the one. Anybody who can’t take your wishes severely isn’t mature sufficient to be in your mattress (or your life). The objective isn’t to twist your self into another person’s fantasy — it’s to personal your reality so clearly that the fitting folks can truly see you.
You don’t must get louder, more durable, or extra “masculine” to be legitimate. You’re already legitimate. You simply must hold displaying up as your self — constantly, calmly, and with out apology.
Nonetheless, I get how a lot it might probably put on on you emotionally. When folks repeatedly get you flawed, it’s simple to start out questioning when you’re the issue. You’re not. Let your self really feel the frustration, however don’t let it rewrite the story you realize to be true. Maintain checking in with your self — remind your self of what turns you on, what makes you’re feeling highly effective, what makes you you. The extra grounded you’re in your personal sense of identification, the much less room there’s for different folks’s assumptions to mess together with your head.
Backside line (pun additionally type of supposed) — your waist could also be small, however that has nothing to do together with your presence, your confidence, or your energy within the bed room. In reality, one in every of your greatest belongings may simply be the factor of shock — and for the fitting man, that’s scorching as hell. So allow them to assume what they need… till they notice who’s truly on prime — in additional methods than one.
Ask Jake is our recommendation column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Household Therapist Jake Myers. If in case you have a query for Jake, electronic mail [email protected], or join with Jake even deeper by means of his LGBTQ therapy platform.
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