Do you worry you aren’t the best parent you can be because of your ADHD?
Maybe you’ve forgotten your children’s birthdays or shown up late to their baseball games. Perhaps you’re overwhelmed trying to manage it all – and losing patience with your kids more often than you’d like.
You’re not alone if you face these challenges. After all, ADHD in adults is commonly linked to brain fog, poor memory, and high distractibility.[1]
However, having ADHD does not make you a bad or irresponsible parent.
It’s important to show yourself compassion to break out of the cycle of guilt. Once you do, you’ll find the confidence and motivation to work toward positive change.
If you’re ready to approach parenting with self-love and awareness, you’re in the right place!
Originally published on October 4th, 2022, this article was updated and republished on October 20th, 2023.
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How ADHD Affects Your Parenting
Each parent faces unique challenges in raising their kids. Certain symptoms of ADHD can change how you care for your children and household.
Learning how to recognize the impact of ADHD on parenting can help you define areas for improvement and devise targeted strategies.
Here are some ways ADHD may affect parenting.
Emotional Regulation and Availability
Research shows that adults with ADHD are more likely to experience emotional dysregulation. This affects their ability to process and manage emotions in a way that achieves a positive goal.[2]
Other research demonstrates that parents with emotional dysregulation may find it more challenging to parent with warmth, support, consistency, and structure.[3]
In addition, ADHD symptoms can add to daily stress and make it harder for parents to be emotionally available for their children.
Certain strategies can help you manage your emotions better and build a trusting and secure relationship with your children.
Some healthy habits include practicing self-care, thinking before you act, and monitoring your emotions. Removing yourself from the situation when things get too heated is also a good practice.
With consistency, these healthy habits can become second nature.
Healthy Communication
Communication can be tricky with ADHD.
Parents with ADHD may find themselves drifting off during conversations, interrupting, or talking over their children.[4] This might cause them to feel ignored, unheard, or unimportant.
Developing an open line of communication with your children will take some practice, but it’s definitely possible.
You can start by making a mental note to listen actively to your children while they speak. If you notice you’ve interrupted them, apologize and own up to it, then ask your children to continue where they left off.
Maintain eye contact and try to remove all distractions, like your phone, when conversing with your kids.
Organization, Structure, and Time Management
Organization and time management can be challenging for people with ADHD.
This can lead to the following issues in daily life:
- Struggling to manage your child’s homework, meals, bedtime, and other activities.
- Having trouble organizing your children’s belongings, such as toys, clothes, and school materials, which can cause clutter or misplacement of important items
- Forgetting important events or special occasions like a birthday or parent-teacher meeting
- Having time blindness, which makes it challenging to have your kids ready for school or other activities on time
- Struggling to create and stick to a routine at home
- Setting inconsistent rules and boundaries and failing to follow through with the consequences of breaking them
Many parents worry that they can’t be perfectly organized, and this fear can paralyze them.
So don’t strive for perfection when trying to build routines or structures. Be kind to yourself because both the big and small steps matter in the long run.
Moms With ADHD
Moms with ADHD may face unique challenges compared to dads, because women are more likely to have their ADHD go undiagnosed or untreated.[5]
This may be because they more often experience symptoms of inattention, such as poor focus and memory. These symptoms are less obvious and disruptive to those around them than externalized symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsivity.[6]
Additionally, women with ADHD are also more likely to experience co-occurring anxiety or depression. So their symptoms may be misdiagnosed as caused by these conditions.[6]
As a result, moms with ADHD may not know they have it. And since moms usually tend to other people’s needs over their own, this might cause them to neglect their need for treatment.
In addition, women, on average, do more of the household labor, including parenting, child care, and organizational tasks (booking medical appointments, talking with teachers, planning family vacations, etc.). This on top of having ADHD, can be a lot.
If you’re a mom with ADHD, it’s important to seek support!
Similar to an airline’s safety message, you should wear your oxygen mask first before helping those under your care.
Likewise, by first meeting your own needs by getting the help of a professional, you’ll have a greater capacity to raise and support your kids.
How to Cope With ADHD While Parenting
There is no “right way” to parent. However, as a parent with ADD/ADHD, you may find that regularly reaching out for help and leaning on your community makes the process easier, like our virtual parent support group.
1. See a Doctor for Diagnosis and Treatment
Start by ensuring that you have a formal ADD/ADHD diagnosis.
This will go a long way toward validating yourself and the struggles you may be facing.
An ADHD diagnosis – for parent and child – often can also reduce feelings of guilt and alleviate stress.
Many treatment options are available once you’ve received a formal ADHD diagnosis. You and your doctor can discuss your treatment options to devise a management plan that suits your needs.
2. Reach Out to Your Support Network and Other Parents
Reaching out for help remains essential once you’ve received a diagnosis and decided on a treatment.
You don’t have to do everything by yourself.
Leaning on trusted loved ones can make the process much easier. Consider reaching out to other parents with kids participating in similar activities and interests and asking them how they stay organized.
A trusted group of parents to carpool and share activities with can lighten the load.
This will save you time and give you space to work on organizational and self-development skills that make parenting with ADHD easier.
3. Look After Yourself First
Everyone’s experience with ADHD is different. However, many struggle to maintain focus and stay organized.
This can be an issue for parents with ADHD, as raising a child requires you to track and schedule their entire lives.
You can improve your focus and mental clarity by focusing on yourself first.
Take the time to exercise regularly and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
Exercise can improve cognitive performance and help alleviate stress. This will increase your ability to focus and handle the challenges of parenting.
Once you’ve taken care of your mental health, try developing your organizational skills at home.
4. Learn Organizational Skills to Reduce Clutter and Chaos
Home organization expert Lisa Woodruff explains that getting organized with ADHD is a skill – you can learn to become better organized just as you can learn a new language.
Start organizing your home by concentrating on the areas of your house that cause the most disruption to your day as a parent.
The following are some tips to stay organized:
- The kitchen: Reorganize food containers that pile up and remove any that don’t get used.
- Sports gear: Place each child’s sports gear into their own plastic tubs.
- Laundry: Wash your child’s school clothes separately and all at once so nothing gets lost.
These steps aren’t definitive but should get you thinking about ways to become more organized to support your children.
Be prepared for setbacks. But keep firm that investing time into applying organizational skills will significantly benefit you and your household.
5. Find Out If Your Child Is Also Struggling with ADHD
Although the cause of ADHD isn’t known, it tends to run in families. So, your child may be more likely to have ADHD.
If you notice similar symptoms or struggles in your child, it’s best to seek professional advice.
Coach and ADHD writer Lis Lewis recommends getting in touch with a doctor or therapist if you’re struggling to keep everyone on track.
Next, Lewis recommends paying attention to the way your brain works to better support your child with ADHD.
Think about what may cause challenges for you and consider the self-care that has worked previously.
Your child may face different challenges than you, but working from your own experience is an excellent place to start.
ADHD-Friendly Solutions to Parenting
Raising a family is one of the world’s greatest joys, but it takes a lot of work. With ADHD in the mix, working smart, not just hard, is all the more important.
Here are some ADHD-friendly strategies that can help you manage parenting and your household better.
Use Externalized Reminders
Externalized reminders and alarms can help you keep track of your appointments, chores, and your children’s activities.
Here are some examples of how you can create reminders that actually work:
- Add important events, occasions, and appointments to your phone’s calendar and set a reminder for them.
- Create recurring weekly or monthly reminders (e.g., for bill payments or your kid’s weekly dance classes).
- Put sticky note reminders at places you usually look at, like the countertop or mirror.
- Mount a bulletin board or whiteboard someplace visible for the family’s appointments or your to-do list.
- Carry a physical notepad or journal around to record all your tasks, then rearrange all the listed tasks based on priority.
This is where you can use technology to your advantage. There are plenty of reminder apps that can help you stay on track.
Establish Routines and Plan Ahead
Routine and structure can help you organize your household better.
Having a set time for different chores, such as doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom, can help you remember them better. These chores can also be split among family members and delegated using a weekly chore chart.
You can also have a fixed bedtime, mealtimes, or study time for your children to encourage them to stay organized.
Having a fixed schedule also helps you plan ahead. For example, instead of rushing each morning, you can schedule a time to pack everyone’s lunches and school bags the night before.
Set Boundaries and Enforce Them
Rules and consequences for breaking them are essential to teach your children good values, maintain safety, and keep your household in check. Without proper boundaries, chaos will follow.
Examples of useful rules for kids include:
- Doing their share of the chores
- Sticking to a curfew
- Keeping their belongings in the designated places
Chat with your children about certain family household rules, and explain their purpose. If your kids are mature enough, you can also ask for their input and consider applying their suggestions.
Turn Your ADHD Into a Parenting Advantage
Parenting with ADHD is tricky, but millions of parents are finding ways to overcome their challenges and thrive. Asking for help from medical professionals and your support network can make the process easier.
Remember that you aren’t a bad parent. You have a unique perspective on life – which you can use to your advantage when raising your child.
Explore ADDA’s virtual support groups, like the women’s support group.
If you’d like to join a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, check out ADDA+.
References
[1] Targum, S. D., & Adler, L. A. (2014). Our current understanding of adult ADHD. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 11(11-12), 30–35.
[2] Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966
[3] Goagoses, N., Bolz, T., Eilts, J., Schipper, N., Schütz, J., Rademacher, A., Vesterling, C., & Koglin, U. (2022). Parenting dimensions/styles and emotion dysregulation in childhood and adolescence: a systematic review and Meta-analysis. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03037-7
[4] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 7, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t3/
[5] Stibbe, T., Huang, J., Paucke, M., Ulke, C., & Strauss, M. (2020). Gender differences in adult ADHD: Cognitive function assessed by the test of attentional performance. PloS One, 15(10), e0240810. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0240810
[6] Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B. B., Branney, P., Beckett, M., Colley, W., Cubbin, S., Deeley, Q., Farrag, E., Gudjonsson, G., Hill, P., Hollingdale, J., Kilic, O., Lloyd, T., Mason, P., Paliokosta, E., Perecherla, S., Sedgwick, J., Skirrow, C., Tierney, K., … Woodhouse, E. (2020). Females with ADHD: An expert consensus statement taking a lifespan approach providing guidance for the identification and treatment of attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder in girls and women. BMC Psychiatry, 20(1), 404. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9
