Pricey Jake,
I’ve been courting this man for a couple of months, and whereas there are some candy moments between us, I’m beginning to really feel like I’m getting used. Particularly, as social media content material.
He’s tremendous into Instagram—like, actually into it. He’s always posting suggestive pics, checking his follower depend throughout dinner, and tweaking captions mid-date. I’m not even kidding—as soon as we had been speaking about one thing type of private, and he minimize me off to say, “Wait, I simply hit 10K!” I attempted to be completely satisfied for him, however I additionally felt weirdly invisible.
How about we take this to the subsequent degree?
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These days, he’s been that includes me in his posts. Not in a “soft-launch” couple means—however extra like I’m simply one other accent to his on-line persona. He’ll snap a pic of me mendacity half-naked in mattress subsequent to him, tag me, and caption it with one thing flirty or thirst-trappy. The photographs at all times appear rigorously staged to make him look good, and I can’t assist however really feel like I’m only a prop in his digital model.
It’s not that I’m anti-social media—I get that it’s a giant a part of queer life. However I’m beginning to really feel extra like a backdrop than a boyfriend, and I don’t know easy methods to carry that up with out sounding jealous or petty.
Am I overthinking this… or is it one thing I would like to deal with?
Content material Warning
Pricey Content material Warning,
There’s one thing unsettling about seeing a personal second abruptly seem on somebody’s public feed. Even when it’s meant to be flattering, it may well really feel like a violation—a quiet second repurposed for consideration. You didn’t consent to turn into a part of a thirst lure—you had been simply making an attempt to share house with somebody you care about.
So, you’re not improper to really feel the best way you do. When your physique and presence are broadcast to an viewers—even one filtered via flirty captions and heat lighting—it’s truthful to ask: Am I being cherished right here, or leveraged?
Let’s be clear: social media isn’t the villain. It’s how we join, have a good time, and typically flirt with the world. However when your relationship begins to really feel extra curated than cared for, it’s time to pause.
From what you’re describing, this man isn’t only a informal poster—he’s actively constructing a private model. That’s not inherently improper… except the individuals round him are being folded into that model with out full consent or real emotional reciprocity. Posting a sizzling photograph isn’t the identical as sharing actual intimacy—and tagging somebody isn’t the identical as making them really feel actually seen.
None of this habits—posting, tagging, sharing—crosses a transparent ethical line. It’s not “improper” in a conventional sense. However your discomfort isn’t coming from nowhere. It’s rooted in one thing deeper: the sense that your privateness and presence are being utilized in a means that doesn’t really feel grounded in care.
Let’s name it what it’s: this isn’t simply somebody who enjoys Instagram. It’s somebody chasing validation, constructing an viewers, and utilizing your picture as a part of that climb. Possibly he’s wrapped up within the thought of changing into an influencer. You’re not being overly dramatic for noticing that.
One of the best factor you are able to do is carry this into the open—not with accusations, however with curiosity and readability. You would possibly say one thing like: “I get that social media’s a giant a part of your life, and I’m not making an attempt to take that away. However if you publish non-public moments with out checking in with me, it actually makes me really feel like I’m simply there to be seen. I simply wish to really feel like I matter to you, not simply to your followers.”
This provides him the possibility to look at what actually issues to him. If he minimizes your issues or will get defensive, that tells you one thing. If he’s open and prepared to pay attention—even higher.
It’s additionally okay to set boundaries. You get to determine what sorts of photographs or moments you’re snug having shared. You would possibly say, “Hey, that one felt a bit of too intimate for public consumption,” and also you don’t must justify it. You’re an individual—not a part of a private model technique.
You’re not being petty. You’re asking for respect. And when somebody’s extra targeted on their viewers than their precise reference to you, it’s okay—typically mandatory—to attract the road.
Actual love isn’t about hitting a coronary heart icon. It’s about feeling protected, seen, and valued—on and off the display screen. On the finish of the day, you deserve a relationship that doesn’t simply look good on-line, however feels good in actual life, too.
Ask Jake is our recommendation column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Household Therapist Jake Myers. You probably have a query for Jake, e-mail [email protected], or join with Jake even deeper via his LGBTQ therapy platform.
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